There I was, standing outside one of the banks of porta potties in 2012 on Friday night waiting for friends to finish their business when a girl I don't know exited a porta and came up to me saying, excitedly, "I just had the best poop ever, and it's Friday! Usually by now I'm a mess!" I chuckled nervously, congratulated her, and then edged away, fearful of more TMI.  Dr. Yes is a bit of a prude when it comes to other peoples' bodily functions. 

Still, everybody poops, or so I'm assured by some of the greatest literary minds of our time.

If everybody poops, and there are 70,000 people on the playa, then ipso facto 70,000 people are poopin' on the playa.

Whoa whoa whoa though! We are a Leave No Trace event! There is to be no poopin' on the actual playa.  Or peeing, for that matter, though as the latter doesn't really leave a discernible trace I have a hard time getting too worked up about it. Still, it's against the rules, however much that matters to you, and I personally don't do it.
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"But Dr. Yes, if I can't drop my load in the dust, what am I to do?"

Everybody poops.

Good question, young Burner! You have four main options for doin' the ass dance out there, and one additional good option only for peeing:

1. Public porta potties. There are ~1400 of them out there, located on the radial streets (the ones named after the clock) between C&D streets and H&I streets. There are exceptions: 6:00 street has banks between F&G and I&J, while 3:00 and 9:00 have banks between E&F. There are also banks of them on either side of the Man along 2 and 10. 
   
   Protip: The banks of porta potties are lit by blue lights on poles that are maybe 15-20 feet high, and so are spottable from a bit of a distance (though can be confusing to try to spot them given all the colored lights in Black Rock City at night). These lights are a lifesaver when you really have to go....right now. We've all been there.
   
   Please see the Porta Potty Tips & Tricks & Rules at the bottom of the page. They're important!
   
   
2. Private porta potties. This is only an option if you and/or your camp rents one from a company like Sanihut (located conveniently in Sparks, on the way from Reno to the playa). I've not personally done that, but know people who have. Note that it's important that whomever you rent from can service it while on the playa, or you may end up with a full, disgusting, and unusable porta-potty, depending on how much use it gets.
   
   
3. Pooping in your RV's toilet. Obviously this only applies if you have an RV or if you have a (stupidly kind) friend who will let you use theirs. I've stayed in an RV alternately with friends and with my wife, and the rule as far as I'm concerned is: No using the toilet for #2. Those things get hot and stuffy and the last thing I want is to have it all stinky to boot. Others no doubt disagree!
   
   Note that your RV has limited 'black water' capacity (that's human waste basically - pee and poo) and that if it fills up, you can't use it any more until you get it pumped. Your option for getting it pumped is to basically flag down one of the United Services trucks that roams the playa and pay them cash (ohmygodcommodification) to pump out your RV, which they will do, though you're better off contacting them a few months ahead of time and making reservations.
   
   
4. Pooping in a bucket. Yes, seriously. I've never personally used one, but I'm assured that a sealable bucket with cat litter or soil in it is a solution. Of course, you must pack this out with you and dispose of it somewhere legal and sanitary later. In no circumstance can you dig a hole in the playa and dump your waste in it and in no circumstance can you dump your bucket-of-shit in Gerlach or, indeed, at any normal trash disposal site.
   
   Now, of course, there are buckets and there are buckets. If you search for 'portable' toilet you'll see some things that boil dow
   
   
5. For peeing only: Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and you really have to pee. But it's freaking cold outside and the porta potties are 2 blocks away. This is when having a pee jug is very handy. Men can just pee right into it, whereas women will benefit from a funnel of some kind. You can then pour the contents of the pee jug into a porta-potty later...but do NOT dump the jug itself in.

Porta Potty Tips, Tricks, and Rules

1. NOTHING goes into the porta potty except toilet paper and your bodily waste. Nothing. No tampons, no baby wipes, no grey water (the aftermath of showering, washing dishes, etc). Only bodily waste and toilet paper. You are to take things like tampons and baby wipes, wrap them up, and carry them off the playa with you to be disposed of properly. If you throw these things in the porta potties, you're an asshole who is intentionally trying to cause problems with the porta potties for the rest of us (things that aren't supposed to be in there have to sometimes literally be cleaned out by hand vs pumped out- do you want to be the one that has to do that?  I thought not.)
   
   
2. You may want to carry toilet paper with you, because sometimes the porta potties temporarily run out.
   
   
3. Stop being a whiny bitch and sit down. You're already filthy out there. Sitting on the toilet seat isn't going to make your ass dirtier than what's coming out of it. When you hover, you greatly increase the chance that you're going to get pee or poo on the toilet seat, and that makes you a fucking jerk.
   
   
4. Ladies, carry a pee-funnel, either from Pee Funnel Camp (they'll give them to you for free) or from a company like She-Wee (you can google). You will thank me.
   
   
5. Keep the lid down when you're done. Helps keep the odor levels a bit lower. On that note, yes, they're smelly, but it's not the end of the world. I know this may sound like I spend time in a lot of bad-smelling environments and have a tolerance for it (I don't and I don't) but it's not that bad, most of the time at least. 
   
   
6. There's hand sanitizer outside all the portas, but it runs out frequently. I recommend carrying some with you.
   
   
7. Assuming you are carrying things like tampons or baby wipes that do not go 'down the hole' as it were, you might consider carrying three plastic bags with you - one big one and two small. The two small are for 'clean' and 'dirty' items, and the big one is to hold the two small ones. Then just take the dirty bag home with you and dump in the garbage.

Here's a great article from Gawker about RobbiDobbs, the "Chief Poopervisor" at Burning Man. A good read that'll tell you far more about the bathrooms at Burning Man than you ever thought you needed to know.

And you must look at this page, which comes complete with links to places to buy do-it-yourself bathroom supplies for the playa. It's a trove of good info. http://michaelbluejay.com/burningman/

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