Dr. Yes's 11-Point Sacred Spiritual Path to Your Soul's Enlightenment at Burning Man, and Everything Bagel Recipe

A couple years ago around this time, I remember reading an article by Caveat Magister about his reflections on 10 years at Burning Man and thinking to myself, "I know nothing yet, but in two years, I will have so much to share."

Having been to Burning Man ten times now myself, we can all agree that I've achieved transcendental enlightenment and it's time for you to sit down, be quiet, and try to appreciate everything I've learned. 

I mean, seriously, ten times on the playa! Legends are told of holy men who sat in meditation for 25 years in a cave on a the side of a mountain somewhere, but I've been to That Thing In The Desert ten times, which is at least as enlightening, surely.

I don't want to compare myself to Jesus, because I am the most humble person ever to walk this Earth (sorry Carmen), but it would be appropriate for you, dear reader, to make that comparison for me. Here, I'll help:

• Jesus walked on water. I walk on dust.
• Jesus transformed water into wine. I transform wine into pee.​
• ​Jesus spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert. I've spent well over 80 days and nights in the desert. That's more than twice as much. I am more than twice as deserty as Jesus, and I bet I have better bike decorations.

Yeah, whatever. I can turn one wook into at least six or seven with the promise of free drugs. I know this one wook named Wolff (two Fs) who could easily serve to spread the message of free drugs to at least two dozen fellow wooks.

Am I better than Jesus? Probably, and I particularly want to emphasize that I've been to Burning Man ten times and you haven't. Unless you have....but none of those count as you were probably burning wrong anyway, since you lacked the wisdom my ten years have clearly bestowed upon me. 

​I'm about to drop my priceless knowledge upon you. Are you sitting comfortably? Have you recently evacuated your bowels? Wearing loose-fitting clothing?  Good.

​Now, I want you to picture me up on a pedestal, a nimbus of white light emanating from my enlightened soul, as I look down upon you, poor non-10 year burner, and prepare to dispense the wisdom of the ages (or, in this case the wisdom of the decade since I have, as I may have mentioned, attended Burning Man 10 times. That's "dieci" in Italian.)

Are you sure you're ready? This is heavy stuff, as befits my ten year burner status. If you're a birgin, you should probably shut your eyes while you read this.

I'm only giving you one last chance. This is the kind of wisdom that could drive you to madness. It's that beautiful, that meaningful, that goddam spiritual. 10 year Burner spiritual. Your life is about to change. If there are small children in the room, please ask them to vacate. Decade-long burner about to lay it down.

What I'm about to tell you is better than a multipass.

Dr. Yes's 11 Point 10 Year 9-Fold Sacred Spiritual Crystal-Infused Wisdom On How To Walk The Enlightened Soul Path At Burning Man, and 8-Ingredient Everything Bagel Recipe

1. When the portas are full, they turn on a pair of blue lights up above each bank of them until they get pumped out. Avoid those lights if you're looking for working portas!
    
2. If you didn't bring a tent, you can always just crash in Center Camp. They have free coffee in the morning and lemonade in the afternoons, though sometimes the volunteers try to scam you by asking for money. Don't fall for it, and immediately call for a Ranger if they try it.
   
   
3. Bring quarters for the BRC subway. The bill slots usually stop working by Tuesday or Wednesday or they run out of change. If you totally ran out of change, you can go to Playa Info (in the Center Camp ring) and change out your bills for quarters between 1 and 3 pm Monday-Saturday of burn week, but be prepared for a line.
   
   
4. Extra mustard.
   
   
5. ​Few people know this, but all the trailers on the right-hand side of 1st Camp as you enter are hospitality trailers that anyone can go in where you can grab something out of the fridge, take an nap in comfy A/C, or just rub one out. There are typically at least four of them. 1st Camp is right past the Center Camp keyhole on the 10 pm side, on the Esplanade.
   
   
6. When you absolutely cannot lose your bike at Mayan Warrior, lock it to Mayan Warrior so that the two cannot be parted. You'll never lose your bike that way as it's easy to spot that giant ball of lasers and lights no matter where it is.
   
   
7. If you forgot to bring your drugs, you can always score some on playa. You have to be careful though, as there are undercover cops out there, so just make sure you ask anyone you buy from first, "Are you a law enforcement officer?" If they say no, you're good to go, because law enforcement isn't allowed to lie. This is fool-proof and will work outside Burning Man too.  
   
   
8. Speaking of which, have you heard that Nevada legalized weed? Make sure to take some joints with you when you venture out of camp, and that sharing is caring. Some of the Pershing County sheriffs will even get high with you if they're going off-duty soon, and really appreciate it. Once, when I shared a blunt with an officer, he said, "Sir, that's illegal and you are under arrest." I laughed and laughed while I ran away into the crowd. They have such a great sense of humor. 
   
   
9. When you see groups of people clad in black and leather quasi work-looking clothing together, there's a good chance you've just spotted a group of DPW (Department of Public Works) volunteers. As the name suggests, they're there to work for you, the public, and they are easily the most helpful, cheerfully friendly group on playa. You both can and should feel free to approach them for advice on any topic, no matter how trivial, or just to give them a big ole hug. Tell them what an awesome time you're having partying and you'll have made a new group of friends for life. 
   
   
10. Make sure to catch all of Diplo's sets.
    ​
    
11. Finally and most importantly, make sure to always use the 220 grain sandpap...wait, no.... Never put the bacon spatula in the... hmm, or is it never take one of the last in the stack of....of..... shit, lost it. Anyway, you know what I'm saying!

​

I know. It is appropriate that you do.

You're welcome, but you owe me some beets.

And so, unenlightened readers (who are slightly less unenlightened than before), I believe I've given you much to consider.  I trust you will treat the wisdom this ten-year Burner bestows upon you with all the respect and consideration it deserves. 

And with that I have probably said all that needs saying. I will leave you with a hearty....

​(Bagel recipe? That's just there for SEO. Go ask the playa.  I understand it provides.)